A Deal with the Devils

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A Deal with the Devils …

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Exclusive to CU at the Game

CU at the Game has obtained a secret memorandum sent out by the Colorado coaching staff to the coaches of the Buffs’ Pac-12 opponents.

While it doesn’t speak particularly well for the status of the CU football program … it does help explain things.

Memo

From: Jon Embree, head coach, University of Colorado

To: Opposing head coaches, Pac-12 conference

Subject: Guaranteed “W’s”

Gentlemen,

Here’s the thing.

I’ve got a problem. Okay, a bunch of problems.

When I got to Boulder, I found the place, as last guy famously put it, “burned to the ground” (even though when he got here, the team had won four Big 12 North titles in the past five seasons). I learned that there was only moderate talent in the offensive skill positions. I’ll be honest with you, only sophomore wide receiver Paul Richardson would be a starter on most of your teams. On defense, it was a patchwork of guys with a measure of heart, but no speed. I tried to recruit speed, but these new players are a bunch of guys who were chasing high school championships a year ago. They are not prime time players, at least not yet.

Then there was the schedule. I inherited a team which hadn’t won on the road since, well, forever. Then they told me I had to play seven – seven! – games on the road!! Unbelievable, right? Check with your front office, and have them find for you the time season you played seven games on the road – I dare ‘ya! You would think that the CU administration would want to ease the new coach into the job with a few easy games – and home games at that. But Noooo! I had to open the season on the road against BCS-buster Hawai’i, then take on a Cal squad which had beaten this same team 52-7 last year. Then, just for giggles – and a huge check to help pay for the buyout of my predecessor – go on the road to face Ohio State. Nuts, right?

Oh, and if being thin at every position wasn’t enough, I got saddled with injuries. On offense, I lost one of my few decent linemen right out of the box, then down went my best receiver, my best running back, and then my quarterback. And that was nothing compared to what happened to my secondary. It wasn’t bad enough that the two starting cornerbacks from last season were drafted by the NFL. Nah, replacing just two cornerbacks would have been child’s play. No, I had to take on a team in which nine defensive backs – nine! – have gone down. If that wasn’t enough, I had to suspend three more of them. I’m playing converted wide receivers and running backs, and tearing off red-shirts like they are going out of style! Really, you can’t make this stuff up. It’s like in Hoosiers, when Gene Hackman had to play with four guys. Ridiculous!

So, I’m writing – in strictest confidence, of course – to ask y’all a favor.

We all know that Colorado wasn’t a viable candidate for the Pac-12 South candidate before all of the injuries, but now things have gotten out of hand.

I’m looking to make you a deal.

Our coaching staff will put together a game plan in which the Colorado offense will be no threat to score in the first quarter. At the same time, we’ll institute a chinese fire drill on defense, with our players out of position and with no clue as to how to stop your team. You’ll score at will early, and build up an insurmountable lead by the end of the first quarter.

What do I want in return?

Simple. Call off the dogs once the game is out of hand.

Fair enough?

Once you get your big lead, try out some talent for next year. We’ll keep plodding away, and may score a few points here and there, but we promise that, in no way, will we mount a viable threat. Your fans will get the satisfying win, and we get to avoid of the ESPN highlight reel.

Next season, we’ll try and give you a game, but for now … please take pity.

Thanks,

Jon

It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?

And you thought the Buffs being out-scored in the first quarter this season by a mark of 111-13 was a typo.

Nope. The facts bear out that, since Washington State allowed Colorado to stay in the game with a 7-3 score after the first quarter, it has become pretty obvious that the opposing coaches have bought into the Buffs’ deal.

CU v. Stanford – Cardinal up 13-0 after one quarter; 27-7 at halftime.

CU v. Washington – Huskies up 21-7 after one quarter; 38-10 at halftime.

CU v. Oregon – Ducks up 29-0 after one quarter; 35-0 at halftime.

CU v. Arizona State – Sun Devils up 21-0 after one quarter; 31-7 at halftime.

That’s a cumulative total of 84-7 after one quarter; 131-24 at halftime.

Compare that to the second  half of those four games, and you get a cumulative score of 62-23. Not great, but less than half of what the opponents scored in the first half, while giving the Buffs as many points as they were able to muster in the first halves of those same four games.

Surely, there must be a conspiracy.

Otherwise, Washington would have posted 76 points, Oregon 70, and Arizona State 62.

Now that would have been ugly.

But seriously, folks …

In Pac-12 play, Colorado has given up 224 points in five conference games, a 44.8 ppg. clip. Meanwhile, the struggling Colorado offense has posted 74 points, or 14.8 ppg. – a clean 30 points per game differential.

That’s not bad; that’s obscene.

Utah won its first Pac-12 game this weekend, taking out Oregon State at home. This leaves Colorado as the only team without a conference win, and increases the likelihood that the Buffs will finish alone in a conference basement for the first time in 96 seasons.

Wonder if it’s too late to send out another memo, just to the November opponents?

I’m just not sure what the Buff coaching staff could offer in exchange for a conference victory.

Heated seats along the visitors’ bench for USC and Arizona?

A few missed gates by the defending national champion CU ski team in a meet against Utah this winter?

Or perhaps a new coach for the UCLA Bruins …

Hey, we may be onto something with that last one.

Memo

From: Jon Embree, head coach, University of Colorado

To: Dan Guerrero, UCLA Athletic Director

Subject: Rick Neuheisel

Dear Dan,

Have I got a deal for you …

This post, about the Arizona State game, from the 2011 Season, is filed under Article.
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